Raking Fall Leaves Week 8 October 21, 1997
RFL WEEK IN REVIEW
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ALLEGED TRADE RAPIST POUNDS ALLEGED TRADE RAPEE
The Chortling Tushy Whackers downed the Big City Blade Runners 24-12
in the **** GAME * OF * THE * WEEK **** this week, only days after the
alleged "raping" of 2-time RFL MVP Emmitt Smith from the Blade Runners
roster. Brodkin has ferociously denied the allegations of trade rape,
claiming mutual consent was present on the night in question. The
RFLaw department is seriously pursuing resolution of the case. Both
main figures in the alleged trade rape, Emmitt Smith and Derrick
Alexander, scored 6 points for their respective new teams this week.
SUN MAKES APPEARANCE
The sun, the local sphere of reactive hot gases around which the
earth orbits and relies on for light and heat, was seen in the skies
outside of Palo Alto, CA today. Bystanders were not amazed, as this
is a daily occurrence in the region. The appearance of the sun,
unfettered by even a single passing cloud, has been seen on a daily
basis in Western California for quite some time now. The presence of
the sun allowed local air temperatures to exceed 70 degrees Farenheit
for the 6 billionth day in a row. RFL Management commented, "it was
a good thing to move the headquarters here after the infamous RFL'95
campaign."
RFL EDITOR MAKES PLEA FOR HELP
As reported in WIR7 last week, usual RFL editor Pat Callery suffered
a severe stroke last week, incapacitating him to the point that
children's hero David E. Brodkin, esq. was brought on for emergency
WIR duty. Brodkin excelled in his replacement role, as expected, but
when RFL management tried to approach him with a permanent contract,
Brodkin was reportedly seen jumping aboard his private jet for the
sanctity of his Wellington Festival Center Headquarters in Boston, MA.
Current WIR editor Pat Callery, upon spending an unproductive Tuesday
at the office for the umpteenth week in a row, made a plea to the
fond followers of RFL lore: "Will somebody please volunteer to
scribe WIR9, due out Tuesday October 28? It would be greatly
appreciated!" Callery added that no special skills are required to
compile the weekly scores and recaps found in a typical issue of the
WIR.
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Standings
*********
PowerBar Division W L GB PF PA STK
==================== = = == === === ===
Red Rover 6 2 - 253 191 W5
Landlord Luggage 5 3 1 208 168 W1
Team Desai 5 3 1 221 184 L1
Chortl. Tushy Whackers 4 4 2 235 247 W1
Stoker Division W L GB PF PA STK
==================== = = == === === ===
Bust a Nut 6 2 - 229 190 W1
The Gaseous Wombats 5 3 1 258 211 W2
Reinvigorated Romanians 2 6 4 94 214 L3
Big City Blade Runners 1 7 5 131 229 L1
Clif Bar Division W L GB PF PA STK
=================== = = == === === ===
Potential for Destruct. 4 4 2 253 217 W1
Stoked Salmon 4 4 2 232 243 L1
Fiends Uv Carnal Knowl. 4 4 2 246 227 W1
Blackhearts 4 4 2 203 194 L1
MET-Rx Division W L GB PF PA STK
===================== = = == === === ===
The Cream Machine 4 4 1 238 208 L2
Mighty Mighty Gnomes 5 3 1 180 218 L1
Grandma's Cussin' 2 6 3 199 183 L4
The Surge 3 5 4 219 275 W2
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Week 8 in Review
---- - -- ------
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****** GAME OF THE WEEK ******
******************************
Chortling Tushy Whackers 24
Big City Blade Runners 12
Rascal Romanians 0
Brods, as WIR editor, shows his commitment to continuing the trend of
showcasing "alternative" GOTWs, spotlights this sorry matchup with his
own team of headcases against the pitiful cellar dwellers. Brods, as
"trade rapist", scoffs in the face of legit offers while kniving his
way into the psyche of unsuspecting Clark Goebel. Next thing you
know Brods has brought Emmitt Smith into his house of sin while poor
Clark is left crying on a barren street corner. That's how these
molesters operate, and all the league should be on the lookout for
more of this horrific abuse by Brods and his kind. Emmitt added
insult to injury by scoring the first of many TDs to come against his
former caretaker.
blake 0 smith 6 martin 3 rison 12 bruce 0 asher 0 anderson 3
marino 0 brown 0 davis 0 alexander 6 johnson 0 coates 6 brien 0
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Red Rover 34
Stoked Salmon 27
Rowdy Romanians 0
The downfall of Stoked Salmon continues, as a 21 point attack from
Rover RB Karim Abdul-Jabbar leads streaking Red Rover to their league
best 5th win in a row, and a continued grip on first place. Salmon
GM P. Callery has already lost more games this season than he lost all
of last year with the one and only RAMPAGING GIBBONS!!! Rover WR
Keenan McCardell bust out of his season long shell to add the critical
9 points for the Rover victory.
odonnell 0 karim 21 stewart 0 reed 0 mccardell 9 sharpe 0 delgreco 4
brunell 10 bettis 9 dillon 0 brown 0 mcduffie 0 popson 0 johnson 6
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Bust a Nut 31
Team Desai 20
Red Romanians 0
Bombyx boys keep pace with Red ROver with a solid win over the over-
hyped, over-rated, and over-noticed Team Desai, despite the continued
hot play of RB Barry Sanders. Ricky Watters led a solid attack with
9 for Bustanut, after which Dave Brodkin allegedly attempted to
"pickup-rape" him from Bustanut. RFL intelligence intervened and the
confused Watters was led back to Bombyx HQ. Newly acquired Bombyx PK
Pete Stoyanovich came back to haunt Team Desai, only 2 weeks after
being cut loose. In a related story, Jason Elam scored 5 for Desais
after another attemped "pickup rape" by the Blackhearts earlier in
the week.
george 6 watters 9 anderson 3 martin 0 smith 6 jones 0 stoyanovich 7
aikman 6 sanders 9 anders 0 carruth 0 hastings 0 green 0 elam 5
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Landlord Luggage 30
Retarded Romanians 0
RFL prognosticator Dave Brods was prophetic when he went out on a limb
to say Terrell Davis would beat the Romanians singlehandedly. Davis
scored a routine 20, while pounding the excrement out of, and back in
to, the Romanians. The 4th (i think??) goose-egg in league history
will go in with a semi-asterisk, as Vesh neglected to find a
replacement for his shitty bye-week kicker, Jeff Jaegermeister, and
both his rostered QBs sat on the sidelines for their respective clubs.
banks 0 davis 20 faulk 3 sheppard 0 johnson 0 mitchell 0 boniol 7
xxxxx 0 warren 0 garner 0 moore 0 early 0 riemersma 0 xxxxx 0
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Potential for Destruction 27
Grandma's Cussin' 20
Rigormortis Romanians 0
P4D rebounds to .500, but lose their league points lead in the
process. Eddie George had a solid 15 points to lead the way.
Meanwhile, an even grander underachiever, the Grandmas, drop their
4th straight, keeping pace with those Rasacally Romanians. Despite
the best efforts of Drew Bledsoe and Mike Alstott, not to mention the
emergence of WR Bert Emanuel, the Grandma's have lost game after
frustrating game. Team management has considered moving practices
out of the retirement home and back onto grass fields to help
rejuvenate the ailing geriatrics.
stewart 6 george 15 smith 0 smith 0 sanders 0 bruener 0 hall 6
bledsoe 9 centers 0 thomas 0 glenn 0 emanuel 6 byars 0 vinatieri 5
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Fiends Uv Carnal Knowledge 49
Mighty Mighty Gnomes 22
Revivalist Romanians 0
The Fiends jump back to .500 and a surprising 4th highest league point
total with a resounding thumping of the Meager Gnomes, who drop a
game out of their previous first place perch. The 49er contingent
powered the Fiends this week, as Terry Kirby scored a career high 17
points and Terrell Owens chipped in a whopping 12. Even journeyman
RB Steve Broussard got into the action, scoring 6 in his first RFL
start in several years. However, the first career start for BU
engineering Prof. Nirav Madanshetty (aka "Dad") for the Gnomes at RB
proved to be less fruitful, as he could not make up the 28 points
needed for a victory.
vinny 6 broussard 6 kirby 17 owens 12 jackson 0 mcgee 0 hanson 8
elway 9 wheatley 0 xxxxx 0 stokes 0 mccaffrey 6 crumpler 0 kasay 7
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Gaseous Wombats 37
Cream Machine 31
Rusted Romanians 0
The Wombats storm into the league points lead (ed: shamelessly fueling
Joebob IHS) with a solid showing against rival Dave Wang and the
Cream Machine. 15 of their 37 came from first-time starters Danny
Kanell, William Floyd, and Jermaine Lewis (more IHS fuel), while 15
more came from this year's surprise RB phenom, Napoleon Kaufman.
kanell 6 kaufman 15 floyd 6 irvin 0 jewis 3 walls 0 stover 7
pete 3 allen 6 phillips 0 moore 0 thigpen 9 dudley 6 cunningham 7
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The Surge 20
Blackhearts 9
Romanians 0
The Blackhearts edged the Romanians, but couldn't hold off a surging
Surge squad, who picked up a solid SCRUB W to move to 3-5 and back in
playoff contention! The Blackhearts made scientific history as they
were able to clone Team Desai K Jason Elam, and have him in sufficient
working order to score a duplicate 5 points. Unfortunately, aging
riot grrrrrl rocker Joan Jett got the nod at QB this week and scored
the very rare "-5 point play" to negate the cloned Elam's efforts.
young 6 johnson 6 morris 0 fryar 0 morton 6 wycheck 0 hollis 2
xxxxx -5 murrell 6 hearst 3 pickens 0 metcalf 0 bjornson 0 xxxxx 5
----------------------------------------------------------------------
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Hey! Don't forget to update your league roster....
Transactions ADD DROP
============ === ====
16-machine QB Rodney Peete QB Dave Brown
10-pot4des WR Frank Sanders WR Brett Perriman
10-pot4des PK Todd Peterson TE David Sloan
9-salmon PK Norm Johnson TE Andrew Glover
14-cussin WR Chris Calloway WR Jeff Graham
14-cussin TE Keith Byars RB Ernest Byner
14-cussin TE Fred Baxter TE Kyle Brady
2-desais QB Wade Wilson RB Amp Lee
10-pot4des WR Eric Moulds WR Frank Sanders
9-salmon RB Sherman Williams PK Norm Johnson
4-chortles RB Tiki Barber RB Lamar Smith
2-desais RB Charles Way QB Wade Wilson
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SEASON PTS LEADERS
******************
QB Brad Johnson (Blackhearts) 60
Drew Bledsoe (Grandma's Cussin') 60
Jeff George (Bust a Nut) 58
Vinny Testaverde (Fiends Uv Carnal Knowledge) 53
John Elway (Mighty Mighty Gnomes) 52
RB Terrell Davis (Landlord Luggage) 84
Barry Sanders (Team Desai) 69
Napoleon Kaufman (Gaseous Wombats) 60
Eddie George (Potential for Destruction) 53
Robert Smith (Fiends Uv Carnal Knowledge) 48
Raymont Harris (The Surge) 48
Curtis Martin (Chortling Tushy Whackers) 48
Karim Abdul-Jabbar (Red Rover) 48
Warrick Dunn (Red Rover) 45
WR Cris Carter (Landlord Luggage) 48
Tim Brown (Stoked Salmon) 42
Herman Moore (Cream Machine) 39
Jake Reed (Potential for Destruction) 36
Jimmy Smith (Bust a Nut) 36
Terrell Owens (Fiends Uv Carnal Knowledge) 36
TE Wesley Walls (Gaseous Wombats) 33
Rickey Dudley (Cream Machine) 33
Ben Coates (Blade Runners) 24
PK Adam Vinatieri (Grandma's Cussin') 61
Ryan Longwell (Stoked Salmon) 58
Al DelGreco (Red Rover) 54
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CALS' CORNER
===== ======
Unfortunately, by the time the rest of the WIR is ready to roll off to
the presses, your humble columnist simply has no creative juices left
to philosiphize on the hallowed pages of Cals' Corner these days. RFL
management is currently accepting applications for regular or guest
columns. Please send an article on anything at all to Cals at
callery@corp.hp.com
The rest of the league would like to hear your opinions! Also, since
an entire continent currently separates the league's GMs, it is quite
possible that some of the newer GMs have not and never will get to
meet some of the others in person. So, it would be wonderful for
any GMs to just send in a brief bio, or autobio, of any other GM. It
doesn't even have to be you! Unauthorized bios are welcome!!!
I'm not joking!!!! Let us hear you!!!!! Take the initiative!!!!
* Entry Fees
Congratulations go out to Stan WIlson and Clark Goebel for joining the
entry fee club! RFL law enforcement now has critical mass to pursue
the remaining offenders individually. Attention to the following GMs,
your days are numbered!!!
Snehal/Shivan Desai
Joe Pynadath
Josh Veshia
Chris Carroll
Tim Purwin
Let's go!!! Cough that shit up, pronto!
RFLHQ
405 Fremont Ave.
Los Altos, CA 94024
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RFL ALL*STARS
*************
QB Mark Brunell (Stoked Salmon) 10
RB Karim Abdul-Jabbar (Red Rover) 21
Terrell Davis (Landlord Luggage) 20
Terry Kirby (Fiends Uv CK) 17
Napoleon Kaufman (Wombats) 15
WR Terrell Owens (Fiends Uv CK) 12
Andre Rison (Chortling Tushy) 12
TE Ben Coates (Blade Runners0 6
Rickey Dudley (Cream Machine) 6
K Norm Johnson (Stoked Salmon) 8
Jason Hanson (Fiends Uv CK) 8
************** **
Week 8 total: 89 Wow, where's the kickers?!
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Week 9 RFL Action
---- - --- ------
Teams off this week:
DETROIT LIONS
NEW YORK JETS
****** GAME OF THE WEEK ******
1- Red Rover (6-2, 31.6) vs 10-Pot for Destruct (4-4, 31.6)
Red Rover has ridden a 5-game winning streak into overall first place,
while Potential for Destruction has been among the league points
leaders all season long. With just 6 games to play in the regular
season, P4D can't afford to lose any more if they want to keep their
Steamroller title hopes alive. Red Rover controls their own destiny!
Although it's still a little early to go projecting Steamrollers like
that, this game is (cliche) pivotal to the Steamroller stackup.
Red Rover Potential 4 Destruct
========== ====================
QB Brett Favre <- Kordell Stewart
RB Karim Abdul-Jabbar -> Eddie George
RB Warrick Dunn <- Antowain Smith
WR Keenan McCardell -> Jake Reed
WR Andre Reed <- Rod Smith
TE Shannon Sharpe <- Mark Bruener
PK Al Del Greco <- Todd Peterson
Brett Favre is back after a week off, and Red Rover none the worse for
his bye week. Abdul-Jabbar and Dunn are RFL's highest scoring
backfield, believe it or not! P4D's power trio of Stewart, George,
and Reed are going to have to come through big if they want to knock
off the league leaders. Seto's bunch have proven their streak is no
fluke: after disposing of Blade Runners and Romanians, they have
beaten Bust a Nut, Gaseous Wombats, and Stoked Salmon in the other 3.
*** Cals' Line: Red Rover by 7 ***
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Other tilts:
FAVE SPREAD DOG
========= ====== ===========
9- Stoked Salmon (4-4, 29.0) 2 2- Team Desai (5-3, 27.6)
8- Bust a Nut (6-2, 28.6) 6 3- Lando Luggage (5-3, 26.0)
4- Cho Tush Whak (3-3, 31.7) 26 7- Rumble Romanians (2-6, 11.8)
5- Gaseous Wombats (5-3, 32.3) 6 15-The Surge (3-5, 27.4)
16-Cream Machine (4-4, 29.8) 14 6- Blade Runners (1-7, 16.4)
11-Fiends Uv C K (3-3, 27.8) 8 14-Grandma's Cussin (2-6, 24.9)
12-Blackhearts (4-4, 25.4) 3 13-Mighty Gnomes (5-3, 22.5)
Lineups due by 1pm eastern sunday!!!!
(but preferably by friday afternoon!)
RFL Hotline: (415) 917-1619